I came across this article, when i was aimlessly browsing the internet.Here we go....
Mr Mom: It's a SAHD lifeForget all that macho, hairy-chested male stuff. Being in, these days, means, well..., being in. They're called SAHDs, short for Stay-At-Home-Dads, and they represent the latest spin on co-habitation. Soma Guha checks out how the role reversal is working.
Wanted: A Househusband.
Educational Background: Childcare Expert.
Qualification: Domestic Engineer (acquired with the job).
Qualities: Forbearance. Tolerance. Strong nerves. Resistance to pressure. Energy in abundance. Active imagination. Sense of humour (an absolute must). Patience.
Wait. Before you send in your CV, think about this. Are you man enough to tackle the challenges of this Herculean role reversal? Are you ready to cope with the continuing grind of full-time days and part-time nights (weekends included) with no promotion, no vacation and no salary? And are you willing to shoulder the undefined duties of child-caring and general maintenance with special emphasis on cooking, cleaning, and other assorted household tasks?
Those who apply, conform to the first alphabet of a househusbanding primer which spells A for Attitude. The only valid qualification for being a Stay-At-Home Dad (SAHD) is that you want to. Elsewhere, there is a gradual but definite escalation in the number of househusbands.
While homedaddies are touching the 20-lakh mark in USA, their number in UK has trebled in four years. During 1996, 45,000 British fathers chose to stay at home and raise their children rather than work, compared to 18,000 in 1992--and these figures are expected to rise, says the Office of National Statistics in their first official study of househusbands.
Closer home, in cultural terms, the Japanese Jizai (completely free) house fathers run their own website, declaring: "House-fathers is like housewife.We are always cooking, shopping for foods, housekeeping and so on. Of course, not only these things, but we also compose and perform our own music. We always discuss way of life, system of human cognition, ideas of philosophers, our own being and music.''
That may be something of a handful for most men. But even in India's hide-bound society, there are signs of domestic change. More women in the workplace, new employment avenues and job profiles, and attitudinal changes have led to social and economic restructuring. Many wives find themselves in jobs where they are actually earning more than the husbands. With kids to be looked after, and trusted domestic help getting scarcer by the day, it's a classic dilemma. Can male ego be sacrificed for the greater economic good?
Take Partho, who, with wife Ranjita, lives in the heart of Delhi. Both are academics.When they got married, they were doing research in their respective subjects. To make ends meet, Ranjita decided to take up a job and shelve her research work for the time being. "Partho stayed at home and completed his thesis, while I brought home the bacon so to say,'' says Ranjita, adding: "Apart from some raised eyebrows, it has worked out fine.''
The SAHD factor is certainly more visible in academic circles, but when it comes to the wider expanse of Indian households the story is a different one. After the closure of his company following the economic turbulence in South-east Asia, Ashok came back from Bangkok with his wife and two kids a year back and settled at his father's residence in Calcutta. He still stays there, spurning every job offer with the hope of something better coming up. Meanwhile, his 70-plus father, shouldering the entire financial burden of the joint family, resolutely carries on with his consultancy services. Wife Anupa, though fully qualified for the job market, is not allowed to break out of the traditional mould of crumbling Bengali aristocracy and take up a paying career.
The Unedited SAHD Guidebook |
� Read. There are plenty of resources available for at-home parents and even a few for home-dads.
� Listen. To your kids, to your partner and to yourself. You can learn a lot by listening. Patience is a skill you will forever hold in highest regard.
� Trust yourself. Instinct and intuition will see you through times of doubt and uncertainty.
� Never stand when you can sit, or sit when you can lie down.
� As an isolation-buster, be proud of what you do. The more you get out and about, the sooner the people you deal with regularly will come to know and accept you.
� Try to get together a househusbands' group through a newspaper ad or word-of-mouth. Exchanging experiences and joining chat sessions on-line can be rewarding as well.
� It's a bright sunny day. Take your kid and get out of the house. You can go for a walk in the park, revv up for a drive or just mingle with people. Not only will this ease feelings of isolation for you, the noise/colour and motion of crowds, small or large, can captivate a small child.
� You won't be able to count the miles you'll log, walking around the house carrying junior. So build up strength in your forearms, lower back and knees.
� One important thing with a kid at home: a sense of humour. Those days when junior is just a stinker and nothing pleases her, a sense of humour helps unclench your teeth and report it all to mom with a light laugh. |
Says an obviously troubled Anupa: "I spend my time tending to my 13-month-old baby and two-and-a-half-year-old son, serving my in-laws and pampering my husband's ego. I am not allowed to take up a career, nor is my husband ready to lift a finger around the house. It's all such a waste of potential.'' Her mother-in-law is completely blind to any change in lifestyle. "How can bouma work outside the home? Such a thing is unheard of in our family. Moreover, won't my son feel bad? I am sure he will get a job sometime soon. Till then, this is our fate.''
Naturally, any suggestion of her son becoming the primary caregiver of the kids is met with a disbelieving laugh. "A man looking after his children? That'll be the day,'' says the mother.
That is a telling picture of Indian households. Fixed gender-specific roles, a caged ambience, perpetual kowtowing to male ego. Even in this day and age, at most arranged marriage negotiations, the male and female priorities are different. Every ad insert looks for a fair, beautiful bride, expert in household chores (a convent education and a diploma in computers are the usual status symbols lending the right progressive touch). "My sister-in-law should be well-educated but when my brother comes home from work, she should be able to make him snacks and tea,'' states 21-year-old Prabhas. His eligible brother, rated high in the marriage market, agrees. "What's the need for her to work? Women are most comfortable at home. They are much better homemakers,'' he says, cunningly serving old wine in a new bottle.
But that MCP age is starting to get passe now, as modern India gradually wakens to reality. Some, like Sharmila, need no prompting to find their own space, free of the restrictive world of ego-driven husbands, parents and in-laws. At 26, she left her husband and her in-law's house to move to Mumbai and start work as an ad executive. She sounds immensely confident and at peace. "I have no regrets. This change in lifestyle was absolutely necessary for me to survive in the jungle. There were the risks of an uncertain future and independent existence, but now that I am established in a successful career, I am really thankful about sticking to my gut feelings. All that initial love for my husband was turning to hatred only because of the set-up at my in-laws.'' Ten years later, she finds herself married to Jit, a househusband who is a wonderfully patient father and a great cook to boot. "Things couldn't have worked out any better. Jit is a freelance designer and works from home. The children all adore him and back home after office, I am often treated to some innovative cuisine. Actually, he is quite enamoured of his role at home and it's tough sharing some of the chores during the weekend.''
And, when it comes down to practicality, for most couples, it's the comparative weight of the pay cheque that decides the issue. Joseph Oberle has this to say in his Diary of a Mad Househusband: "When looked at objectively, the decision seemed obvious, although that didn't make it any easier. One of us had a job with good pay, adequate benefits, excellent security and also the esteem of their employer--and one of us didn't. Unfortunately, I was the odd parent out,....cast into the unknown chasm of Mister Momdom.''
Like Sumit Basu, who lives in seemingly domestic bliss in one of the pleasanter suburbs of Calcutta. Says Sumit: "I wouldn't give up this life for anything. Just after we got married, I lost my job due to a lockout. My wife took over the financial reins as she worked at a bank. I spent my time, with growing enthusiasm, improving my culinary skills and keeping the house in ship-shape condition. In between, I would read a bit, write a bit, paint a bit and listen to music. It's my life. And it's great. As for the quality of my work, I challenge any housewife to rival it.'' Wife Asha chips in: "But typically, when my mom-in-law visits us, she won't allow Sumit to lift a finger. That's the time he has his holiday.''
That's reality. That's the rule, even though it's hip to move your butt around the hearth, checking on the kitchen fire, feeding the kids, cooking novelties, doing the grocery and welcoming your exhausted spouse with a steaming coffee mug at the doorstep. And soon you will discover you have got the hang of homemaking pretty well and fine-tuned it to perfection. To the amazement and envy of your salaried wife.
All in all, SAHDs are satisfied with the way things are going. It's a brave new movement of men with a mission. Backed by their power-packed support system--the Net is overrun with dad links like Dad-to-Dad, Daddy's Home, Mr Moms' Place, New Jersey At-Home Dads, Home-Dad Link (UK), House Fathers (Japan) and so on--the househusbands are a professional lot with their own tips and tricks of trade as well as a survival kit (see box).
Not that it's really required. Anita (not her real name) takes stock of her situation in these words: "As much as I may complain about the difficulties of being a working mother, I have it easy compared to a lot of other moms. Is my husband a saint? Not necessarily (although he sometimes thinks he qualifies). He's a stay-at-home dad; taking care of our son and running our household--all day, every day--it's his job.'' A study done in Canada revealed that household chores are worth about $235 billion a year. The study found that Canadians did more work for no pay, most of it around the house, than they did at the office or factory.
But can the real worth of a homemaker's work be measured in mere money? He not only does all the household chores and childcare, he provides a sense of security and continuity for his children and his spouse, a support that is always available. Just as no one will care for your children the way you do, no one will care for your home the way you can. And nothing beats home-cooked meals either. Skilled domestic engineers all, most SAHDs are a far cry from the silver-screen portrayal of the bumbling Mr Mom (1983) by Michael Keaton who, as a reluctant stay-at-home-dad, burns dinner, ruins laundry and blow-dries his kid's rear after playing coupon poker with the neighbourhood moms. Nothing could be further from reality, feel the hard-working real-life homedaddies. And if you dare address them as "Mr Mom'', do it at your own risk. "Mr Mom projects the image of stay-at-home dads as bumbling doofuses,'' fathers bristle. "It's offensive. As a working mother, you wouldn't want to be called Mr Dad. We are not mother substitutes.''
Call them housefathers, domestic engineers, primary caregivers or even househusbands (which raises a few objections), but never greet these dynamic domestic-action heroes with something like "Oh, so you're a Mr Mom''. The kids already have a mother. At-home dads do not replace moms; they merely assume duties traditionally performed by the mother. Why not try "Mr Dad'' instead, and watch the grin spread?
