Happily un divorced

Came across this article on Y!Its a must read for this Gen people!!!Here is a mid way solution between adjusting completely to your husband and taking the extreme step of divorce, which is still a taboo in the Indian society.This gets' carried on when there are kids involved.Obvious that its' not a healthy set up for the kids to live in but at least better than all the things that the kid has to go thro' in a formal divorce.Read on...

When Akansha Kumar found that her 13- year old marriage was on the rocks and the emotional chasm between her and her hubby Abhay Kumar just couldn’t be bridged, there was nothing to do but part ways.

They decided they would separate rather than file for divorce.

That’s the way it’s been these five years — they continue to accompany each other at social events and attend their 10- year- old son’s PTMs ( parents- teachers meetings) together.

Welcome to the world of the undivorced, where couples opt to live a life of compromise rather than go through the socio-economic and emotional hassle of a legal separation.

When Tulika Gupta uncovered the dark secrets of her philandering husband, she decided to teach him a lesson. But after consulting lawyers and close friends, she opted to walk out of the marriage and live separately. “ We have taken a joint home loan and have each other’s names as nominees in our investment, we have each other’s name as spouses in our passports.

Moreover, our kids are 15 and 18, what’s the point in putting the whole family through the hassle of a divorce,” says Gupta, who runs a consultancy firm in Gurgaon.

TAKING IT EASY

Though there isn’t any statistics, divorce lawyers and marriage experts believe that separation without divorce is proving to be a popular alternative. “ Staying estranged seems to be a popular trend among couples. They enjoy the status quo especially if there are children involved. Going to court involves a lot of trouble. Men are afraid they will have to pay huge maintenance,” says Osama Suhail, divorce lawyer.

The hope of giving a failed marriage another chance to survive also plays a crucial role in couples opting for a separation instead of a divorce. Kamal Kaur and Ajit Sidhu opted to part ways to give their eight- year- old marriage a ‘ breather’. Now after five years of parting ways, they have grown closer as friends rather than couples. They make it a point to meet each other on weekends for lunch and attend social gatherings as husband and wife. However, both are happy with the arrangement. “ I know that he has girlfriends and he knows about my relationships.

We have decided not to remarry; I don’t want my kid to blame me for the divorce when she grows up,” says Kaur, an event manager.

If convenience plays a crucial role, the social taboo related to divorce also forces couples to stay estranged. “ Divorce is still big step for couples. And the hope of coming together and working out the relationship, keep some couples’ hopes alive.

Legal hassles are also a big trouble.

Couples who have been estranged for over 10 years usually move on with their lives,” says Dr Isha Singh, clinical psychiatrist, Max Healthcare.

In a society where being a single woman still raises eyebrows, divorcees face social ridicule.

“ Women want to avoid the stigma. For children, it’s good to have the father around, especially at the time of their marriage.

More than men, its women who don’t want to go to court for a divorce,” says Priya Hingorani, senior lawyer, Supreme Court.

With a quick hearing not possible in divorce cases, couples often have to do the rounds of the courts several times before the final settlement is drawn. At times, cases drag on for four to five years, draining people emotionally and financially. “ For women, the delay in proceedings acts as a deterrent. In the case of middle- aged people, they go for divorce only if they remarry,” says Suhail.

TOO OLD TO QUIT

At times, age too plays a deterrent, preventing couples from going for a divorce. Aged 38 and 42, Smitha and Arun Shekhar, knew they weren’t estranged because they needed to remarry.

It was the need of more individual space that forced them to seperate. “ We know that we will be there for each other in the case of an emergency. Moreover, we don’t have any plans get marry again. Our finances are in both our names and we still operate a joint account. I don’t see the need to go through a pile of paperwork to change our marital status in our passports, address details and nominations in our investments,” says Smitha.

Psychologist and lifestyle expert Dr Rachana Singh feels that for some couples, it’s the emotional comfort zone which bars them from going through the ugly divorce battles.

Terming separation as a decision of comfort, divorce lawyer Meenakshi Lekhi, says such the arrangement works only if both benefit from it. “ In such cases, children will remain common and there is no bitterness. The main reason is social embarrassment.

If the wife goes to court, the husband may end up losing a major chunk of their property. The price tag for a divorce is too high in terms of monetary loss for men and social stigma for women. I wouldn’t say that staying separate is the trend, but it’s certainly more talked about now than before,” says Lekhi.

However, Dr Singh has a word of caution. “ If couples are separated, it’s often better to get it over legally — it’s not healthy to stay separate just for convenience.” says Singh. But then, neither is it very easy to make a clean break of certain relationships.