It's not complicated. With many couples, divorce means reviving the kind of friendship they shared before marriage
Marriages may still be made in heaven but divorces are no longer the Devil's handiwork. Amid worrying statistics of rising divorce rates, there is something to be cheerful about. Experts say divorced couples are making an effort to leave the baggage behind and remain best buddies.
Writer A. Srinivas's ex - wife is his best friend. They may not be living under the same roof, but he never misses the customary phone call to update her of the day's events. She knows about his girlfriends and he is aware of what's happening in her life. They meet for parties, dinners and social dos. Srinivas' family also shares a good rapport with her though they parted ways six years back.
Our decision to part ways in 2004 was mutual. There was silence between us for nearly three years after that but she was in touch with my family. And when my father was unwell, she called me and our friendship revived. There was no external pressure to remain friends. It was a choice we made, says Srinivas.
Sceptics may dismiss Srinivas's as a one - off case and insist that it's impossible to make peace with a divorced partner. But psychologists and marriage counsellors say that for many these days, divorce isn't the end of the road in a relationship.
The scenario is changing. We see many couples making an effort to remain friends after splitting. It takes a lot of maturity to make peace with your ex- spouse. Often it is because they were good friends before marriage.
Once the burden of being husband and wife is gone, some rediscover why they liked each other in the first place, says relationship counsellor and psychologist Dr Anjali Chhabria.
WHY THEY ARE STILL FRIENDS
If every divorce were a War of the Roseses, there would be blood on the streets! says author Barbara Quick, in her book Still Friends: Living Happily Ever After...Even If Your Marriage Falls Apart. In the case of Sadhna Grover and Sanjit Grover, they won't let any blood spill on the streets. Their schedule with their 13-year-old daughter goes somewhat like this: Family dinners with inlaws every Sunday, a movie once a month and an annual holiday trip to an exotic locale.
If you think they make a perfect family picture, hang on. It's been 10 years since the Grovers divorced, the decision was mutual as both felt suffocated in their marriage. Dealing with his follies in day-to-day life was tough. Differences only grew as years passed by and divorce was inevitable. It took me some years to be friends with him, but it was possible since we share similar interests and tastes. He wasn't good marriage material but our friendship remains the same. I would be by his side when he is in trouble and viceversa. The irritating things about him don't bother me now, says Sadhna.
While the Grovers took years to put behind the bitterness in their relationship, Chhabria says some couples bury the past in no time. Her clients Sameer and Sunita Mahajan (name changed) took off on a holiday together soon after their divorce. Not only did they continue to be friends, Sameer even got work for Sunita, a freelance writer. I was counselling the couple during their divorce. They had major differences of opinion which couldn't be resolved, but they were good friends before marriage and decided to remain so, says Chhabria.
But why do couples who are great friends, divorce at all? There are many things I still like about him. He is kind and intelligent. And when we go to a party or a film, for instance, we know when the other is bored and want to leave almost at the same time! But it's tough to turn your back on the past and pretend it never existed, so we had to split. As soon as I stopped being his wife, he started behaving better with me, says Sadhna.
Srinivas has a different take on why good friends split: You become friends and get married. You continue to grow within marriage. If both grow in different directions, it becomes difficult to continue in the relationship but the friendship remains, says Srinivas.
However, Chhabria thinks it is the daily grind that finishes off a marriage once that is out of the way, they are once again civil to one another. In a marriage, partners expect a lot from each other. With friends, expectations are lower, adds Grover.
NEW LOVE
Do things get complicated when your ex gets a boyfriend/ girlfriend? Sadhna believes they could maintain a healthy relationship only when there were no partners involved. Whenever I was in a relationship, I hardly met my exhusband or talked to him. It's difficult to manage the ex and your current boyfriend. Moreover, I never discuss my boyfriends with him. Though we are good dinner companions, there is no emotional connect between us, says Sanjit.
But Srinivas disagrees. My exwife knows about all the girls in my life and vice - versa. In our case, there is no jealousy or ill - feelings.
Jealousy arises when it's an immature decision to part. Both of us were clear that it was over. It also depends on the emotional quotient involved. The emotional connect is very much there though there is no physical intimacy, says Srinivas.
Marriage counsellor Anu Goel adds she has seen many couples sharing good vibes with their ex's partners. Shashank Bhushan and Nivedita's ( name changed) threeyear marriage was dotted with arguments, fights and stand - offs.
But with divorce, their relationship changed for the better. I used to counsel them. Ever since they got divorced, they have remained good friends. Nivedita calls him whenever she is in trouble, say if her car breaks down. Their friendship is still strong though Shashank has remarried.
Nivedita gets along well with her ex's current wife too. There are no bitter feelings and they often meet at dinners and parties, says Goel.
REEL LIFE
Both Bollywood and Hollywood have examples to draw from. It's no secret that Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant, Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe have a big ex- factor presence in their lives.
In Bollywood, actor Aamir Khan, who is currently holidaying in Europe with his wife Kiran Rao and children from his first marriage, still shares a bond with his first wife Reena Dutta. Reena keeps a friendly relationship with Rao too and is spotted at his film premieres.
Actor Pooja Bedi raised few eyebrows when she attended her exhusband Farhan Furniturewalah's marriage last week with her kids in tow. Bedi says she is very happy for her ex. I was the first person who knew about the wedding.
Farhan is the father of my children and has been my best friend for years. If I am in a relationship, he would be the first person to know, says Bedi.
She admits burying the hatchet wasn't easy. Divorce is awful, painful, full of recrimination, it's vengeful. No one gets married to get a divorce. I am a highly romantic person and I always dreamt of a happy married life. Since it didn't turn out well, we made a dignified, graceful effort to exit, says Bedi.
THE CHILD FACTOR
Children are a major reason why couples decide to maintain a healthy relationship. Couples try to develop a healthy bonding if children are involved. They don't want the kids to suffer, says Goel.
Sadhana agrees: My daughter was the main reason why I am friendly with my ex. She never had to witness any ugly fights. I didn't want to turn my child into the mediator between us. Now she gets an equal share of both of us. Bedi also agrees that reinventing friendship after divorce is important for the children's sake. I had a sound upbringing though my parents were divorced. We grew up unscarred. My children are also growing up the same way. There is no bitterness and it's a win- win situation for both of us. My children spend quality time with both of us, says Bedi.
Bedi also warns that couples should never use children as a weapon to hurt their spouse. Goel says the golden rule is that never express negative sentiments about your ex in front of children.
Speak positively and give up the blame game, says Goel. If a marriage is based on strong friendship, it's natural for couples to seek each other's hand in testing times. So what's stopping you from taking that small step to make things better between you and your ex?
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